Inspired by Indy's post about playing at and expanding her limits, I started thinking about what it is that allows me to endure a hard scene. Indy describes most of her breakthroughs in tolerance as occurring when she isn't aware of the intensity at which she is playing. That hasn't been my experience at all.
In fact, when I am surprised by the intensity of a scene, I am less able to handle it. The only scene (at least in recent memory) that I had to safeword out of was like this. The top was using a leather paddle that I happen to love, one I have played with and enjoyed at all intensities. But, I was expecting a light bedtime spanking. When that wasn't what I got, I couldn't process it. I wasn't able to give myself over to the pain, to relax into it.
For me, a startle like that is akin to stubbing my toe - a sharp, unexpected pain that will have me on the floor in tears, much to the bewilderment of anyone who knows me. As another example of this, I enjoyed a very intense scene at the very end of the Back to School party hosted by FMS last fall. I was giddy and running high on endorphins after the scene. I had to return to my hotel room for something and on my way back I ran smack into the door. I returned to his hotel room with tears streaming down my face. He stared at me in disbelief and said something like "I just spanked the living shit out of you, and you're asking for more. What the f*** did you do?" To be fair, my hand had swollen up as though I had a golf ball under the skin. But I probably should have sat on the ice bag he prepared for me, because the bruise on my hand was gone when I got home but I was black and blue from my hips to my knees!
Instead, I think the key to pushing my limits is trust. Do I trust the person I'm playing with? Do I trust that the Top knows how to use the implement? Do I trust that they will stop if something goes wrong? If my Top has my trust...I can go anywhere. I can give myself over to the pain and simply fly.
So true Lizzie.. trust is paramount for me when giving in to pushing limits. So far, due to that trust, I've been able to take on my fear of canes, quirts, and singletails. Those were always hard limits. But I was so comfortable with the expertise of one Top, that I agreed to give those a try, and had a fantastic experience! Onward and upward.. and over a knee. (heehee)
ReplyDeleteTrust is key. That is true. But from a top's perspective, trust needs to be established both ways. It's easy enough to play with anyone on a purely fun, superficial level, but playing with someone on a trust level is so much more rewarding.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of you about trust-- for me, that's a necessary but not sufficient factor. I especially agree with Craig about the trust a top needs to have to push someone's limits. I actually think it's a scarier proposition to do this from the top's perspective than from the bottom's, as only the bottom really knows what's going on in his or her head. The top has to trust that the bottom will stop the scene if it gets too intense in some way.
ReplyDeleteLizzie, maybe the difference between me and you on this issue is that you've been playing much longer and know better what your limits are, while I'm still approaching them rather cautiously.
That's wonderful, Zelle! I'm always glad to hear that my friends are pushing their limits and trying new things. There are so many interesting things to try...
ReplyDeleteOh...very true. Trust isn't a one way thing. I can only imagine what it takes from the top's perspective to play at the level I most enjoy. While the superficial play can certainly be fun...there is so much MORE fun to be had.
ReplyDeleteIndy, that may be a large part of the difference. But I also think that each of us experiences things differently...we bring our own background, our own expectations, our own "reality" if you will, into the scene with us.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many variables. And that, I think, is what I find the most interesting when I'm reading blogs.
Thanks, Indy!
ReplyDeleteRarely do I get such compassion. It IS hard. As someone who wants to please, I worry constantly about going to far, pushing too much, screwing up technically, wrapping, hitting in the wrong place, hitting too hard, etc.
It's complicated. Trust goes a long way toward making that okay. Forgiveness is easy with trust.
I'm with Craig on this one... Much better to stop too soon than to overdo it, even just once. It takes years to build trust and just one smack too much to go over the edge..... but when it happens forgiveness is divine, and lack of it means the trust is lost both ways.
ReplyDeleteIt's bad enough when I wrap or do something technically flawed. Sure, we all make mistakes, but I beat myself up for my imperfections and mistakes and knowing I accidentally hurt someone (as opposed to intentionally ;-) ) it makes me nuts and I can practically run a scene that way.
ReplyDelete